Humour...
 

Good morning people!
Thought I'd share a smile with you today.
It's a farmer's joke:
A passerby noticed a farmer standing idle way out in a big field. Curious, he decides to out & meet him.
"Can I ask you what you're doin' sir?"
The farmer replied: "I'm workin' at getting the Nobel peace prize."
"How's that?" asked the passerby.
"The folks told me that if I wanted to win the Nobel peace prize I had to be oustanding in my field."

LOL! :D

I moved this because it's more appropriate to the OT forum.

If anyone else wants to post jokes, go right ahead... but keep 'em clean (i.e. OK for a family audience) please :)

definition of a mutaneer
 

The definition of a mutaneer ?
For the Aussies who recall captain Cook and the gang... A ship disturber!
(inspired from GlobeandMail)

Where did the seargent put his armies?
(answer below)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.... in his sleevies!

had to think about that one Reuben!
 

Adam said to God one day.
"You know God, Eve is quite the woman! Nice, beautiful, the greatest companion you could ever give me. But tell me God, why did you have to make her so stupid?
"So that she could love you Adam" replied God.

Marxist Rhetoric
 

Or some witticisms from Groucho Marx:

"Is your face hurting you? Well, it's killing me."

"I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception."

"Here's to our wives and girlfriends. May they never meet."

"So you live in Wales? Do you know Jonah? He lived in whales."

:D :D :D :D

More Marxist rhetoric
 

Dear Quasar,

Thanks for reminding me of one of my favorite Groucho Marx lines, in reference to underwear:

"We live in a changing world."

Best wishes,
David P.

From the InkTank Forum:

THE 21 VERY SERIOUS RULES OF HALLOWEEN

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE! Please use these helpful hints this and every year!!!

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.  However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.  This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt.  This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it.  Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female.  Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here:  Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.  If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead.  You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws.  This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee.  And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly.  Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

21. Do not go looking for witches in the Massachusetts countryside.

HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?"
"I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!"
"Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on."
Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.
"What the heck was that for?" he demanded.

"Your dog just called."

Old age memory
 

An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things
all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong
except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things
down so they wouldn't forget. Several days later the old man got up to
go to the kitchen. His wife said, "Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream
while you're up."
"Okay." he said.
"...and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries on it, too."
She added. "You'd better write all this down."
"I won't forget." He said. Twenty minutes later he came back into the
room and handed her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon.
She glared at him. "Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you'd forget."
"What did I forget?" He asked.

She replied, "My toast!"

Blind man
 

Five ladies volunteered to paint a room one summer at a local nursing home. It was a really hot day and the ladies were getting really hot while working, so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Suddenly, they heard a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" One lady asked.
A man answered, "I'm the blind man".
So, the ladies decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "Ahem. Excuse me, where do you want these blinds??"

About banking...
 

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says
to the woman at the teller window "I want to
open a damn checking account,"
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your
pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.
What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a
damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language
is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves
the window and goes over to the bank manager to
inform him of her situation. The manager agrees
that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks
the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I
just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I
want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this ***** giving you a hard time?"

A pint or two
 

An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman.
"Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" the policeman asked.
"Well, I may have had a pint or two." The man replied, smiling. "Why do you ask?"
"Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back."

"Oh, thank goodness," the man exclaimed. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

LION TROUBLE
 

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight:
the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."