Humour... - Page 11

rmns2bseen · 22 Dec 2004, 01:37 AM

here's another oldie...

There was an Army unit that was having terrible problems with illnesses due to poor hygiene. The commander of the unit decided that something had to be done about it, so he issued orders to his subordinates to take measures to improve cleanliness on the base. So, some time passed and the commander decided to hold a sort of informal inspection- he would just walk around the base and see if things had improved. The first thing he noticed was that every soldier had a fork in his pocket. "Why do you all have forks in your pockets, soldier?" he asked one private. "Well you see, sir, when we're all at the table in the mess hall, instead of using our hands to pass bread back and forth, we use these forks." "Very good, soldier!" the commander said. He walked on and he noticed that all the soldiers had something that looked like a shoestring hanging out of the fly of their trousers. "Why do you all have that string hanging out of your pants like that?" he asked another private. "Well sir, when we go to the latrine, instead of handling, um, IT with our hands, we just use these strings to pull it out." "Very good indeed!" said the commander, but then thought a minute and asked the private, "Hmm. You pull it out with the string- but how do you put it back in?" The private answered, "Sir, I don't know about the others, but I use my fork."

rmns2bseen · 22 Dec 2004, 01:49 AM

one more "dumb blonde" joke...or dumb brunette or redhead or...

One time a dumb blonde was flying First Class from St. Louis to New York. On the plane she was so loud: "OH HO! Flying First Class to New York! YES!! FIRST CLASS! To NEW YORK!! HEEE HAWWWWW HAHA!" Over and over and over. Soon the passengers and even the pilot became so annoyed with her that the pilot called a flight attendant and said "Look, I don't care what it takes, but make her SHUT UP!" The flight attendant went to the blonde, said something quietly in her ear- and then voila the blonde shut up, got up and went to the rear of the plane. "How in the world did you accomplish that?" the pilot asked the flight attendant. "Well, I told her, 'First Class is going to L.A. If you want to go to New York, you'll have to fly in economy class'."

**JeffK** · 28 Jan 2005, 10:13 AM

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
Amarillo theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned! the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

**JeffK** · 1 Feb 2005, 03:55 AM

A story about some wannabe detectives

A Sergeant is interviewing three cadets who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first cadet answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The Sergeant says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second cadet and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second cadet smiles, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third cadet and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The cadet looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The Sergeant is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the cadet replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

a_a · 2 Feb 2005, 01:13 AM

An Impossible Wish!

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant down-sizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish.
So...what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map?
I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
"The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man.
You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."

**JeffK** · 7 Feb 2005, 03:48 PM

THE END

Congratulations!
You have finished the Internet
(This is the last page)

Thank you for visiting.
there are no more links

(You must now turn off your computer
and go do something productive)

cirquitz · 7 Feb 2005, 11:26 PM

no.

Malc 44 · 8 Feb 2005, 05:30 PM

Can you just imagine how lost most of us would be now without the internet!!??

....and yet there are still so many people out there who don't even know how to switch on a computer, I often wonder how on earth do they manage to get through life?

_Malc

a_a · 11 Feb 2005, 11:54 PM

just imagine the internet users now or the future.

i need my internet

**JeffK** · 14 Feb 2005, 03:32 AM

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asked the king.

"Sire," replied the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!?" shrieked the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," said the knight. "Well, you do now."

a_a · 2 Mar 2005, 07:35 AM

The Years Best (Actual) Headlines of 2004
1. Crack Found on Governors Daughter
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
11. War Dims Hope for Peace
12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
14. Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
18. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
19. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
21. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
22. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

robert@fm · 3 Mar 2005, 04:28 AM

^ Several of those "genuine" headlines are a lot older than 2004...

a_a · 3 Mar 2005, 04:51 AM

in fact it's 2002. i changed the year to see if anyone would notice.

**JeffK** · 10 Mar 2005, 12:31 PM

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disk 5"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 4 disks."
It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 128MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."
It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back. Kiss your afternoon goodbye..."

Chipper · 10 Mar 2005, 10:24 PM

(Here's one my uncle sent me.)

Hu's On First

(We take you now to the Oval Office with George W. Bush & Condoleeza Rice.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

11 Feb 2005, 11:54 PM	#159
a_a Essential Contributor Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: mississauga, ON CANADA Posts: 263	just imagine the internet users now or the future. i need my internet Last edited by a_a : 12 Feb 2005 at 02:23 AM.

2 Mar 2005, 07:35 AM	#161
a_a Essential Contributor Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: mississauga, ON CANADA Posts: 263	The Years Best (Actual) Headlines of 2004 The Years Best (Actual) Headlines of 2004 1. Crack Found on Governors Daughter 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 11. War Dims Hope for Peace 12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 14. Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 18. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 19. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 21. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 22. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

10 Mar 2005, 12:31 PM	#164
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,179	What your computer is trying to tell you It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving." It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem." It says: "Installing program to C:\...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them." It says: "Please insert disk 5" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 4 disks." It says: "Not enough memory" It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 128MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K." It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..." It says: "Please Wait...." It means: "... Indefinitely." It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops." It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back. Kiss your afternoon goodbye..."

22 Dec 2004, 01:37 AM	#151
rmns2bseen Master of the @ Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: USA Posts: 1,426	here's another oldie... There was an Army unit that was having terrible problems with illnesses due to poor hygiene. The commander of the unit decided that something had to be done about it, so he issued orders to his subordinates to take measures to improve cleanliness on the base. So, some time passed and the commander decided to hold a sort of informal inspection- he would just walk around the base and see if things had improved. The first thing he noticed was that every soldier had a fork in his pocket. "Why do you all have forks in your pockets, soldier?" he asked one private. "Well you see, sir, when we're all at the table in the mess hall, instead of using our hands to pass bread back and forth, we use these forks." "Very good, soldier!" the commander said. He walked on and he noticed that all the soldiers had something that looked like a shoestring hanging out of the fly of their trousers. "Why do you all have that string hanging out of your pants like that?" he asked another private. "Well sir, when we go to the latrine, instead of handling, um, IT with our hands, we just use these strings to pull it out." "Very good indeed!" said the commander, but then thought a minute and asked the private, "Hmm. You pull it out with the string- but how do you put it back in?" The private answered, "Sir, I don't know about the others, but I use my fork."

22 Dec 2004, 01:49 AM	#152
rmns2bseen Master of the @ Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: USA Posts: 1,426	one more "dumb blonde" joke...or dumb brunette or redhead or... One time a dumb blonde was flying First Class from St. Louis to New York. On the plane she was so loud: "OH HO! Flying First Class to New York! YES!! FIRST CLASS! To NEW YORK!! HEEE HAWWWWW HAHA!" Over and over and over. Soon the passengers and even the pilot became so annoyed with her that the pilot called a flight attendant and said "Look, I don't care what it takes, but make her SHUT UP!" The flight attendant went to the blonde, said something quietly in her ear- and then voila the blonde shut up, got up and went to the rear of the plane. "How in the world did you accomplish that?" the pilot asked the flight attendant. "Well, I told her, 'First Class is going to L.A. If you want to go to New York, you'll have to fly in economy class'."

28 Jan 2005, 10:13 AM	#153
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,179	The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned! the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

1 Feb 2005, 03:55 AM	#154
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,179	A story about some wannabe detectives A Sergeant is interviewing three cadets who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first cadet answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The Sergeant says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second cadet and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second cadet smiles, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third cadet and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The cadet looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The Sergeant is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the cadet replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

2 Feb 2005, 01:13 AM	#155
a_a Essential Contributor Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: mississauga, ON CANADA Posts: 263	An Impossible Wish! A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant down-sizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish." "The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate." The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."

7 Feb 2005, 03:48 PM	#156
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,179	THE END Congratulations! You have finished the Internet (This is the last page) Thank you for visiting. there are no more links (You must now turn off your computer and go do something productive)

7 Feb 2005, 11:26 PM	#157
cirquitz Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 69	no.

8 Feb 2005, 05:30 PM	#158
Malc 44 Essential Contributor Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: London, UK Posts: 365	Can you just imagine how lost most of us would be now without the internet!!?? ....and yet there are still so many people out there who don't even know how to switch on a computer, I often wonder how on earth do they manage to get through life? _Malc

14 Feb 2005, 03:32 AM	#160
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,179	A knight and his men returned to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asked the king. "Sire," replied the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!?" shrieked the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh," said the knight. "Well, you do now."

3 Mar 2005, 04:28 AM	#162
robert@fm The "e" in e-mail Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: London, UK Posts: 4,681	^ Several of those "genuine" headlines are a lot older than 2004...

3 Mar 2005, 04:51 AM	#163
a_a Essential Contributor Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: mississauga, ON CANADA Posts: 263	in fact it's 2002. i changed the year to see if anyone would notice.

10 Mar 2005, 10:24 PM	#165
Chipper Master of the @ Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Greenbelt, MD (USA) Posts: 1,278	(Here's one my uncle sent me.) Hu's On First (We take you now to the Oval Office with George W. Bush & Condoleeza Rice.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?