Humour... - Page 16

silasm0 · 14 Sep 2005, 08:09 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by dantheman
This one is pretty cool!

http://www.gophergas.com/funstuff/womenlivelonger2.htm

There were a few more pictures there that were cool but i didn't want to get into anymore trouble than i am already. My life is short enough as it is.

***This is the scariest page I have ever seen on the internet. Be prepared. ***

dantheman · 14 Sep 2005, 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by silasm0
***This is the scariest page I have ever seen on the internet. Be prepared. ***

Wow! I didn't think it would have that reaction!

A confrère of mine told me that the first one was really possible. You have to be really good!!!

* * *

One of the strange things that happened to me was at my aunt Gails' funeral service a few years ago. The pastor had installed a fake belltower and could play recorded music from the speakers in it. At a great moment of recollection halfway through the service, he wanted to play a piece of meditative piece of music but he pushed in a wedding hymn instead. Daa da de da da da da, dadededa dededa etc. He just couldn't manage to switch or turn it off with his remote control!

At first i was rather upset, then i realized that it wasn't that bad. Aunt Gail was a witty American (with Canadian citizenship) and i'm sure she had something to do with that episode.

rmns2bseen · 17 Sep 2005, 02:38 PM

I saw this taped on someone's office door today:

"I have gone to find myself. If I return before I get back, please hold me here until I arrive."

Along similar lines:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I.

**JeffK** · 22 Sep 2005, 04:23 AM

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife…

"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."

dantheman · 18 Nov 2005, 03:51 AM

Do you know why birds fly south for the winter?

It's too far to walk.

silasm0 · 19 Nov 2005, 11:53 AM

That was downright silly. lol

dantheman · 19 Nov 2005, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by silasm0
That was downright silly. lol

Indeed, i thought it was too!
And to top that off, it was a Mr. Loiseau (Mr. Bird) that told it to me a few days ago! What a bird brain!

robert@fm · 22 Nov 2005, 02:57 AM

I think most people (in Western countries anyway) know the classic locale joke:

Quote:

My mother-in-law has just gone to the West Indies.
Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord.

Unfortunately, the one I coined recently is far too NFBSK to be posted here (it can be found on the World Of Spectrum forums if anyone wants to read it; hint, it involves a holiday to Austria), but here are a few more, posted here first:

I saw two comedians at a club in South London.
Clapham?
No, they were rubbish.

I saw a feral dog attack a school party in South-West London.
Surbiton?
No, but one of the kids was.

I met a couple of gorgeous women in North Kent.
Chatham?
Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance.

I just bought a load of books in South Croydon.
Reedham?
Not yet.

**JeffK** · 22 Nov 2005, 03:10 AM

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof, woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof."

The postal clerk looked the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"Yes," the dog replied, "But what sense would that make!"

nbarr · 25 Nov 2005, 12:10 PM

See the site Quotes on the Nature of the Universe .

Some samples:

Rich Cook
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

Douglas Adams
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

Malc 44 · 13 Jan 2006, 05:23 PM

Just received this email, very true and very funny

Quote:

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers
"what it means to be British?". Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland ..

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign ".

Chris Rock's "Quote of the Year"

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more?"

_Malc

rmns2bseen · 2 Feb 2006, 07:51 AM

A couple of people on mailing lists I subscribe to use these as signatures:

"I wish to die peacefully, sleeping,
Like my grandfather;
Not terrified, screaming,
Like his passengers."

"Feng Shui: the ancient Oriental art of extracting money from the gullible."

rmns2bseen · 19 Feb 2006, 02:45 PM

Some Steven Wright quotes:

"My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.' "

"I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window."

'My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..." '

'I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it." '

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

Chipper · 20 Feb 2006, 11:52 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by rmns2bseen
Some [url=http://www.cis.upenn.edu/~udani/humor/stevenwright.html]"I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window."

I think it was on Kermit Schaefer's "Pardon My Blooper" album that a game show contestant was asked if she was a natural born citizen of the United States and she said, "Oh no. I was born Caesarean."

dantheman · 4 May 2006, 07:41 AM

A woman came upon that famous bottle one day, rubbed it and out came the Genie!

"As you know, i can grant you three wishes" he said.
"For your first wish, I can give you a house but just remember, your husband will always have 10 times more that you."
"Oh, that's okay! Hey, a new house! Can you give me one for $500,000?"
"No problem he answered, it's yours!"

"Now, your second wish is money. How much do you want? Just remember, your husband will get 10 times more!"
"How about a million?" she answered.
"It's yours!" he replied.

"Now, for your third and last wish. What would really want?" said the Genie.
"How about a tiny tiny heart attack?" she replied.

22 Sep 2005, 04:23 AM	#229
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,177	Do not read this unless you can tolerate really corny bad jokes A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly." No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife… "Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."

18 Nov 2005, 03:51 AM	#230
dantheman Cornerstone of the Community Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Hot Springs, AR Posts: 857	Why do birds... Do you know why birds fly south for the winter? It's too far to walk. Last edited by dantheman : 19 Nov 2005 at 06:30 PM.

19 Nov 2005, 11:53 AM	#231
silasm0 Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: ohio Posts: 73	birds fly south That was downright silly. lol

25 Nov 2005, 12:10 PM	#235
nbarr Cornerstone of the Community Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Calgary Posts: 606	Quotes on the Nature of the Universe See the site Quotes on the Nature of the Universe . Some samples: Rich Cook "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." Douglas Adams "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson) "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

4 May 2006, 07:41 AM	#240
dantheman Cornerstone of the Community Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Hot Springs, AR Posts: 857	A Woman and the Genie A woman came upon that famous bottle one day, rubbed it and out came the Genie! "As you know, i can grant you three wishes" he said. "For your first wish, I can give you a house but just remember, your husband will always have 10 times more that you." "Oh, that's okay! Hey, a new house! Can you give me one for $500,000?" "No problem he answered, it's yours!" "Now, your second wish is money. How much do you want? Just remember, your husband will get 10 times more!" "How about a million?" she answered. "It's yours!" he replied. "Now, for your third and last wish. What would really want?" said the Genie. "How about a tiny tiny heart attack?" she replied.

17 Sep 2005, 02:38 PM	#228
rmns2bseen Master of the @ Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: USA Posts: 1,426	I saw this taped on someone's office door today: "I have gone to find myself. If I return before I get back, please hold me here until I arrive." Along similar lines: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic And so am I.

22 Nov 2005, 03:10 AM	#234
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,177	An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof, woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof." The postal clerk looked the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "Yes," the dog replied, "But what sense would that make!"

2 Feb 2006, 07:51 AM	#237
rmns2bseen Master of the @ Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: USA Posts: 1,426	A couple of people on mailing lists I subscribe to use these as signatures: "I wish to die peacefully, sleeping, Like my grandfather; Not terrified, screaming, Like his passengers." "Feng Shui: the ancient Oriental art of extracting money from the gullible."

19 Feb 2006, 02:45 PM	#238
rmns2bseen Master of the @ Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: USA Posts: 1,426	Some Steven Wright quotes: "My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.' " "I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window." 'My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..." ' 'I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it." ' "If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"