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Old 10 Mar 2005, 11:31 PM   #166
Malc 44
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LOL@Chipper ....I love that one!

_Malc
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Old 11 Mar 2005, 02:27 AM   #167
Daniel S
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Your uncle must be a regular EMD reader...

http://www.emaildiscussions.com/...post#post80986
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Old 11 Mar 2005, 04:52 AM   #168
Chipper
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Quote:
Originally posted by Daniel S
Your uncle must be a regular EMD reader...
Oops. My bad — I should have thought to do a search prior to posting.

(Just happen to notice: that post is from Dec 28, 2002 and you didn't register until Jan 5, 2004.)
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Old 15 Mar 2005, 12:51 PM   #169
JeffK
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005, WHEN....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Last edited by JeffK : 15 Mar 2005 at 01:05 PM.
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Old 18 Mar 2005, 07:44 AM   #170
JeffK
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When a businessman's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candour, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
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Old 18 Mar 2005, 07:56 AM   #171
The Storm
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Quote:
Originally posted by JeffK
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005, WHEN....



6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.

Hehe, I've caught myself doing that! 'Hi this is dan from ... how may I help you'

hehe
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Old 18 Mar 2005, 11:09 AM   #172
DrStrabismus
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Actually, I think it's more 2005 to respond with "yeah, ok, what are you selling?"
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Old 18 Mar 2005, 03:55 PM   #173
darrylb
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Talking

Bah ha ha! My Australian buddy sent me this one recently:

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
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Old 22 Mar 2005, 07:26 AM   #174
JeffK
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
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Old 22 Mar 2005, 11:01 AM   #175
dantheman
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Cute Jeff.

Told it to a school teacher tonight and she laughed!

Many Québecois may remember the times of Réal Caouette (was it in the early 60's?) who in his political promises live on the radio airwaves stated that his opponent so and so had brought the country to the edge of a precipice and that he was going to change that and help everyone to make a step forward!

Last edited by dantheman : 22 Mar 2005 at 11:07 AM.
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Old 24 Mar 2005, 05:37 AM   #176
robert@fm
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That last one reminds me of two real-life unfortunately-worded adverts I've come across (the first sadly only at second-hand):

"Don't kill your wife with housework — let the Hoover do it for you" — early 20th century

"The Access [now MasterCharge — Robert] facility can be used at all stores displaying the red and greeD symbol" — early UK credit-card promotional flyer, circa 1972
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Old 25 Mar 2005, 10:16 AM   #177
JeffK
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A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mum, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How did you know?"

The mother replies, "I don't like her."
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Old 25 Mar 2005, 12:06 PM   #178
rmns2bseen
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yet another "dumb blonde" joke...
One time a dumb blonde decided she wanted to try ice-fishing. She found a likely, icy spot and knelt down and started to drill a hole in the ice. Suddenly she heard a voice boom out: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!!" "Oh wow!" she thought, "that must be God!" So she moved on to another spot on the ice and started to drill again. Again the voice boomed out: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!!!" She was amazed and didn't know what to do this time. After a while she moved on down the ice and started to drill again. Again the voice boomed out: "I TOLD YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!!!!!" The blonde was completely at a loss, and finally stammered out, "God, dear Lord, could you please tell me where I can find some fish then?" The voice boomed a final time: "I AM NOT GOD. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK. PLEASE STOP DEFACING THE ICE OR I'LL HAVE TO CALL THE POLICE!"
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Old 25 Mar 2005, 12:30 PM   #179
rmns2bseen
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this one may be a little off-color, but I'll tone it down...if it's offensive, I assume it can be removed, and advance apologies
One time there was an elderly Jewish man who had married a sexy, younger woman. But try as he might, he couldn't, um, please her. It really tormented him, so he went to his rabbi to talk about it and seek guidance. "Here is what you do", the rabbi said. "When you are intimate with your wife, have a handsome young man- the handsomest you can find- stand over the two of you and wave a towel. This will certainly solve your problem." The man did just that, but still it didn't work. The elderly husband was as despondent as ever, and went back to the rabbi. "We tried the towel thing, rabbi, but it just didn't work." The rabbi replied, "Well try this then. You and the young man exchange places- that is, YOU be the one who waves the towel. That way I know your problem will be solved." That evening, that was what happened...and WOW, the young wife was, shall we say, more pleased than she had ever been before- absolutely exhausted. Afterward, and with a smug look on his face, the elderly husband went up to the handsome young man and yelled out: "Ah ha, you schmuck! Now THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
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Old 29 Mar 2005, 05:34 AM   #180
JeffK
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A man filled his car with petrol at a self-service petrol station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the petrol cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own petrol cap, he might be able to find one that fitted. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a petrol cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," he thought, "I lost my petrol cap, but I found another one that fits.

And this one's even better because it locks..."
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