Humour... - Page 17

DrStrabismus · 5 May 2006, 10:54 AM

I heard a variant of that the other day, and it was a factor of two and "beat me till I'm half-dead"

dantheman · 4 Dec 2006, 09:37 PM

Heard this one over the weekend.

An atheist was complaining to a Priest and a Rabbi that they were lucky to have all kinds of holidays like Christmas and Hannuka whereas atheists didn't have any at all! The Priest politely picked up on this and suggested that they should perhaps consider to adopt April Fool's Day. Ha!

Malc 44 · 5 Dec 2006, 01:17 AM

Tommy Cooper classics

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is it common? "

"It's not unusual."

robert@fm · 5 Dec 2006, 01:35 AM

http://www.sinclair-heaven.net/fun/o...ta_cartoon.jpg

silasm0 · 5 Dec 2006, 05:56 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by robert@fm
http://www.sinclair-heaven.net/fun/o...ta_cartoon.jpg

***The last 2 jokes are English, and I don't understand either 1***

**JeffK** · 5 Dec 2006, 06:01 AM

You don't have strawberrys and cream in the USA?

dantheman · 5 Dec 2006, 06:02 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by silasm0
***The last 2 jokes are English, and I don't understand either 1***

Your hit it right on silasm0.

Tom Jones was Welsh and a popular singer back in the '70s.
Women went crazy over him. Wonder if they still do? If they would still behave in the same manner? We won't start talking about Blondes here now shall we?

David · 5 Dec 2006, 06:04 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by JeffK
You don't have strawberrys and cream in the USA?

Double Devon clotted cream has been outsourced to the US as well methinks

**JeffK** · 5 Dec 2006, 06:06 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by dantheman
Your hit it right on silasm0.

Tom Jones was Welsh and a popular singer back in the '70s.
Women went crazy over him. Wonder if they still do? If they would still behave in the same manner? We won't start talking about Blondes here now shall we?

He is still popular. Women still go crazy over him as he still has a great voice and looks younger and slimmer than most.

"It's not unusual" was the title of one of his hit songs.

Jeff

Malc 44 · 5 Dec 2006, 05:46 PM

more Tommy Cooper:

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Julio · 2 Mar 2007, 11:42 AM

Donald Rumsfeld came into the Oval Office to brief President Bush on the Iraq war. I'm afraid I have some bad news, Rumsfeld says. Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today. Well, Bush was just overcome with grief. He put his head in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably and wailed, "three Brazilian soldiers, three Brazilian soldiers, oh my God, three Brazilian soldiers." He was so distraught that Rumsfeld could see that he would get no more work done and left the office. When he calmed down a little, Bush turned to Dick Cheney and said, "Dick, please, please help me out here. Tell me, how many is a brazillion?"

dantheman · 16 Nov 2007, 08:59 PM

Did they ever explain to you why 10 is afraid of 7 ?

Because 7, 8, 9 !

robert@fm · 2 May 2008, 07:51 PM

"007, you've been our top spy for 40 years and your hair is beginning to turn grey."

"What are you telling me, M -- do you expect me to start wearing a wig?"

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye."

Malc 44 · 2 May 2008, 10:52 PM

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Kokey', died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in………….. And then the trouble started.

Chipper · 3 May 2008, 02:42 AM

To follow up on Malc's sad news:

The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 71.

Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Dough boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Dough boy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought that he would rise again.

Dough boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

5 Dec 2006, 01:35 AM	#244
robert@fm The "e" in e-mail Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: London, UK Posts: 4,681	Cartoon! http://www.sinclair-heaven.net/fun/o...ta_cartoon.jpg

2 Mar 2007, 11:42 AM	#251
Julio Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Lower Fraser Valley Posts: 12	three Brazilian soldiers Donald Rumsfeld came into the Oval Office to brief President Bush on the Iraq war. I'm afraid I have some bad news, Rumsfeld says. Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today. Well, Bush was just overcome with grief. He put his head in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably and wailed, "three Brazilian soldiers, three Brazilian soldiers, oh my God, three Brazilian soldiers." He was so distraught that Rumsfeld could see that he would get no more work done and left the office. When he calmed down a little, Bush turned to Dick Cheney and said, "Dick, please, please help me out here. Tell me, how many is a brazillion?"

16 Nov 2007, 08:59 PM	#252
dantheman Cornerstone of the Community Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Hot Springs, AR Posts: 857	For children young and ol' - a number joke Did they ever explain to you why 10 is afraid of 7 ? Because 7, 8, 9 !

2 May 2008, 10:52 PM	#254
Malc 44 Essential Contributor Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: London, UK Posts: 365	Very Sad News With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Kokey', died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in………….. And then the trouble started.

5 May 2006, 10:54 AM	#241
DrStrabismus The "e" in e-mail Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 2,804	I heard a variant of that the other day, and it was a factor of two and "beat me till I'm half-dead"

4 Dec 2006, 09:37 PM	#242
dantheman Cornerstone of the Community Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Hot Springs, AR Posts: 857	Heard this one over the weekend. An atheist was complaining to a Priest and a Rabbi that they were lucky to have all kinds of holidays like Christmas and Hannuka whereas atheists didn't have any at all! The Priest politely picked up on this and suggested that they should perhaps consider to adopt April Fool's Day. Ha!

5 Dec 2006, 01:17 AM	#243
Malc 44 Essential Contributor Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: London, UK Posts: 365	Tommy Cooper classics Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

5 Dec 2006, 06:01 AM	#246
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,177	You don't have strawberrys and cream in the USA?

5 Dec 2006, 05:46 PM	#250
Malc 44 Essential Contributor Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: London, UK Posts: 365	more Tommy Cooper: A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

2 May 2008, 07:51 PM	#253
robert@fm The "e" in e-mail Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: London, UK Posts: 4,681	"007, you've been our top spy for 40 years and your hair is beginning to turn grey." "What are you telling me, M -- do you expect me to start wearing a wig?" "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye."

3 May 2008, 02:42 AM	#255
Chipper Master of the @ Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Greenbelt, MD (USA) Posts: 1,278	To follow up on Malc's sad news: The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 71. Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Dough boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought that he would rise again. Dough boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.