Humour... - Page 22

janusz · 16 Jul 2013, 03:51 PM

I met Barrack Obama and said, "My dad says you're spying on us all."

He said, "He's not your dad."

janusz · 15 Dec 2013, 03:29 AM

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

janusz · 13 Feb 2014, 04:51 PM

A man received a message from his neighbour.

"Sorry sir, I am using your wife... I am using day and night... I am using when you are not at home... In fact I am using more than you are... I confess this because now I feel so guilty... Hope you will accept my sincere apologies".

The man shot his wife.

A few minutes later he received another message: "Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... wi fi not wife"

robert@fm · 3 Sep 2015, 02:40 AM

What's green and goes "Meow"?

A frog speaking a foreign language!

dantheman · 3 Sep 2015, 07:12 AM

Still some "froggies" around here?

Why do the hummingbirds hum all the time?

'cause they've forgotten the words!

robert@fm · 8 Oct 2015, 08:30 AM

Did you know that a kangaroo can jump high than the average house?

This is due to their powerful leg muscles and the fact that the average house can't jump.

janusz · 10 Mar 2016, 04:36 AM

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

DarioMor · 12 Feb 2019, 11:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Edwin

(...) but keep 'em clean (i.e. OK for a family audience) please

In Brazil we used to say an dirty and heavy joke to kids.

(dramatic pause)

The elephant fall on a mud pit!!!!

(note: it is a bit black humor also)

16 Jul 2013, 03:51 PM	#316
janusz The "e" in e-mail Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: EU Posts: 4,944	US spying scandal I met Barrack Obama and said, "My dad says you're spying on us all." He said, "He's not your dad."

15 Dec 2013, 03:29 AM	#317
janusz The "e" in e-mail Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: EU Posts: 4,944	It's Christmas time Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

13 Feb 2014, 04:51 PM	#318
janusz The "e" in e-mail Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: EU Posts: 4,944	One cannot be too careful when writing an e-mail A man received a message from his neighbour. "Sorry sir, I am using your wife... I am using day and night... I am using when you are not at home... In fact I am using more than you are... I confess this because now I feel so guilty... Hope you will accept my sincere apologies". The man shot his wife. A few minutes later he received another message: "Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... wi fi not wife"

10 Mar 2016, 04:36 AM	#322
janusz The "e" in e-mail Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: EU Posts: 4,944	Lawyers, solicitors, barristers...... One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

3 Sep 2015, 02:40 AM	#319
robert@fm The "e" in e-mail Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: London, UK Posts: 4,681	What's green and goes "Meow"? A frog speaking a foreign language!

3 Sep 2015, 07:12 AM	#320
dantheman Cornerstone of the Community Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Hot Springs, AR Posts: 857	Still some "froggies" around here? Why do the hummingbirds hum all the time? 'cause they've forgotten the words!

8 Oct 2015, 08:30 AM	#321
robert@fm The "e" in e-mail Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: London, UK Posts: 4,681	Did you know that a kangaroo can jump high than the average house? This is due to their powerful leg muscles and the fact that the average house can't jump.