Humour... - Page 7

**JeffK** · 1 Aug 2004, 08:44 PM

I am on a Yahoo group which deals with the use of multimedia resources among young people. Today a senior, well respected, significant contributor to the group posted to the files section a file entitled Bruce's Powerpoint presentation. Given the authors past history of posting useful material to the group I rushed to see the content of his presentation expecting quality slides full of dynamic animations, video clips and flash movies. The presentation consisted of one slide, a photograph of a literal electric power point. Very droll.

Jeff

snsh · 1 Aug 2004, 09:48 PM

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

ROBERT.BAK · 2 Aug 2004, 05:13 AM

snsh, that one is even more dubious than my vicar one!

**JeffK** · 8 Aug 2004, 05:45 AM

An angel went to see St. Peter. "All I do," the angel said, "is play the harp endlessly, and I'm getting bored."

St. Peter asked, "What would you rather do?"

The angel answered, "I like to dance."

"We don't allow dancing here in heaven," St. Peter said, "but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance."

"I'm gone," the angel said and in a trice the angel was in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank. Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave.

The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again. Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, "I'm back and I am so happy. I'll never feel bored again."

St. Peter said, "That's wonderful, but where is your musical instrument?"

"Oh, no," the angel said, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco."

dantheman · 8 Aug 2004, 06:47 AM

Corny indeed JeffK, but definitely better than snsh's!

Can't think of any at the present time so i guess i'll just say:

"see you later alligator!"

and you would probably say:

"in a while crocodile!"

and then i would probably say something like:

"not so soon you big baboon!"

My handicapped (mentally challenged) sister likes that last one.

snsh · 10 Aug 2004, 01:22 AM

The captain of a BA flight to Warsaw is cruising along, about to make an approach to land, when all of a sudden the plane gets out of control. The plane starts rocking and undulating wildly, and the captain is afraid it's gonna blow up.

The pilot does some quick thinking and yells into the intercom to the passengers: "hurry! if you're Polish and on the right side of the airplane, go sit on the left side of the airplane!" this bewliders the panicked passengers, so the pilot again yells "dammit! all you Poles have to sit on the left right now!"

the passengers all move over and suddenly the pilot regains control. the plane has become stable again, and the pilot safely makes an emergency landing at the airport.

after everyone disboards the folks in the traffic control tower run to the pilot and ask, "we heard everything over the radio. we don't understand - how did you know to fix the problem that way?"

the pilot answers, "oh it was very simple - i knew i could regain stability by moving all the poles to the left hand plane."

ROBERT.BAK · 11 Aug 2004, 06:36 AM

Maths jokes (some of them comprehensible to non-mathematicians)...

**JeffK** · 11 Aug 2004, 09:55 PM

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

Reminds me of a former minister of our church and his wife. They used to correct one another all the time even about the most trivial things. One particular amusement was a discussion about whether the name of the residence they stayed during their honeymoon. He claimed it was Eternity but she said it was Paradise. There may be a subliminal message there!

Jeff

**JeffK** · 24 Aug 2004, 11:57 AM

A preacher, a politician and an engineer were led to the guillotine. The preacher was asked if he wanted to be face up or face down when he met his fate. The preacher said that he would like to lie face up so he would be looking toward heaven when he died. The blade of the guillotine was raised and released. It came speeding down and suddenly stopped, just inches from his neck. The authorities took this as divine intervention and released the preacher.

Next, the politician came to the guillotine, and he also decided to die facing up, hoping he would be as fortunate as the preacher. So the blade of the guillotine was raised again and released. It came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck, so he was released as well.

The engineer was next, and he too decided to die facing up. The executioner slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, "Hey, I see what the problem is..."

**JeffK** · 24 Aug 2004, 11:59 AM

A jogger, running down a country road, is startled as a horse yells at him.

"Hey! Come over here, buddy!" The jogger is stunned, but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you talking to me???"

The horse replies, "Sure am! Listen, I've got a problem. I won the Melbourne Cup a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is pull a plow. I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me? I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run."

Dollar signs go off in the jogger's head. So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch.

The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field."

Says the farmer, "Son, I know what you are thinking, but you can't believe everything you hear. He's never even been to Melbourne."

dantheman · 24 Aug 2004, 09:06 PM

You're getting pretty good JeffK!

The last one about the horse reminded me of the time i was jogging in the beautiful countryside in the Abruzzo region of Italy. Back in 1990.

A horse started following me! As i started to speed up, so would the horse. Couldn't figure how get away as i knew it would catch up rather quickly. Then all of a sudden, a loud heeeeee! was heard from far up in the field.

The horse suddenly stopped and headed over in the direction of that voice. Must of been the wife or somethin'

snsh · 25 Aug 2004, 02:38 AM

Visitor looks around the farm and meets the dog. "Hey doggie, how's life?" Dog answers, "just fine! my farmer feeds me dog food and plays with me it's very nice." The visitor tells the farmer about the dog. Farmer says "No! Dogs can't talk!!"

Visitor looks around the farm and meets the horse. "Hey horsie, how's life?" Horse answers, "just fine! my farmer feeds me hay and puts straw in my stall and rides me around it's very nice." The visitor tells the farmer about the horse. Farmer says "No! Horses can't talk!!"

Visitor looks around the farm and meets the sheep. "Hey sheepie, how's life?" Sheep answers, "just fine! my farmer feeds me grain and shears me and i like it here." The visitor tells the farmer about the sheep. Farmer says "No! Sheep can't ta... -- them sheep is nothin but liars!!"

**JeffK** · 25 Aug 2004, 12:36 PM

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief... "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh my God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

**JeffK** · 5 Oct 2004, 11:49 AM

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, “Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.

dantheman · 5 Oct 2004, 02:25 PM

Good one JeffK!

Reminds me of this nice old lady dad had us visit once.
She had 9 cats in the house, some practically even had their own bedroom. Don't think she had to worry about forgetting their needs!

Liked this one from Oct. 2004 ed. of Reader's Digest:

"It isn't just American companies that get it wrong.
The Scandinavian electronics company Electrolux tried to sell its vacuum cleaner here in North America by telling people, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

8 Aug 2004, 05:45 AM	#94
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,179	Corny joke An angel went to see St. Peter. "All I do," the angel said, "is play the harp endlessly, and I'm getting bored." St. Peter asked, "What would you rather do?" The angel answered, "I like to dance." "We don't allow dancing here in heaven," St. Peter said, "but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance." "I'm gone," the angel said and in a trice the angel was in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank. Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave. The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again. Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, "I'm back and I am so happy. I'll never feel bored again." St. Peter said, "That's wonderful, but where is your musical instrument?" "Oh, no," the angel said, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco."

10 Aug 2004, 01:22 AM	#96
snsh Cornerstone of the Community Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Boston Posts: 611	polish joke The captain of a BA flight to Warsaw is cruising along, about to make an approach to land, when all of a sudden the plane gets out of control. The plane starts rocking and undulating wildly, and the captain is afraid it's gonna blow up. The pilot does some quick thinking and yells into the intercom to the passengers: "hurry! if you're Polish and on the right side of the airplane, go sit on the left side of the airplane!" this bewliders the panicked passengers, so the pilot again yells "dammit! all you Poles have to sit on the left right now!" the passengers all move over and suddenly the pilot regains control. the plane has become stable again, and the pilot safely makes an emergency landing at the airport. after everyone disboards the folks in the traffic control tower run to the pilot and ask, "we heard everything over the radio. we don't understand - how did you know to fix the problem that way?" the pilot answers, "oh it was very simple - i knew i could regain stability by moving all the poles to the left hand plane."

25 Aug 2004, 02:38 AM	#102
snsh Cornerstone of the Community Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Boston Posts: 611	Visitor comes to a farm. Visitor looks around the farm and meets the dog. "Hey doggie, how's life?" Dog answers, "just fine! my farmer feeds me dog food and plays with me it's very nice." The visitor tells the farmer about the dog. Farmer says "No! Dogs can't talk!!" Visitor looks around the farm and meets the horse. "Hey horsie, how's life?" Horse answers, "just fine! my farmer feeds me hay and puts straw in my stall and rides me around it's very nice." The visitor tells the farmer about the horse. Farmer says "No! Horses can't talk!!" Visitor looks around the farm and meets the sheep. "Hey sheepie, how's life?" Sheep answers, "just fine! my farmer feeds me grain and shears me and i like it here." The visitor tells the farmer about the sheep. Farmer says "No! Sheep can't ta... -- them sheep is nothin but liars!!"

1 Aug 2004, 08:44 PM	#91
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,179	I am on a Yahoo group which deals with the use of multimedia resources among young people. Today a senior, well respected, significant contributor to the group posted to the files section a file entitled Bruce's Powerpoint presentation. Given the authors past history of posting useful material to the group I rushed to see the content of his presentation expecting quality slides full of dynamic animations, video clips and flash movies. The presentation consisted of one slide, a photograph of a literal electric power point. Very droll. Jeff

1 Aug 2004, 09:48 PM	#92
snsh Cornerstone of the Community Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Boston Posts: 611	How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.

2 Aug 2004, 05:13 AM	#93
ROBERT.BAK Essential Contributor Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Backup of robert@fm Posts: 245	snsh, that one is even more dubious than my vicar one!

8 Aug 2004, 06:47 AM	#95
dantheman Cornerstone of the Community Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Hot Springs, AR Posts: 857	Corny indeed JeffK, but definitely better than snsh's! Can't think of any at the present time so i guess i'll just say: "see you later alligator!" and you would probably say: "in a while crocodile!" and then i would probably say something like: "not so soon you big baboon!" My handicapped (mentally challenged) sister likes that last one.

11 Aug 2004, 06:36 AM	#97
ROBERT.BAK Essential Contributor Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Backup of robert@fm Posts: 245	Maths jokes (some of them comprehensible to non-mathematicians)...

11 Aug 2004, 09:55 PM	#98
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,179	A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing." The wife said, "Seven weeks." Reminds me of a former minister of our church and his wife. They used to correct one another all the time even about the most trivial things. One particular amusement was a discussion about whether the name of the residence they stayed during their honeymoon. He claimed it was Eternity but she said it was Paradise. There may be a subliminal message there! Jeff

24 Aug 2004, 11:57 AM	#99
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,179	A preacher, a politician and an engineer were led to the guillotine. The preacher was asked if he wanted to be face up or face down when he met his fate. The preacher said that he would like to lie face up so he would be looking toward heaven when he died. The blade of the guillotine was raised and released. It came speeding down and suddenly stopped, just inches from his neck. The authorities took this as divine intervention and released the preacher. Next, the politician came to the guillotine, and he also decided to die facing up, hoping he would be as fortunate as the preacher. So the blade of the guillotine was raised again and released. It came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck, so he was released as well. The engineer was next, and he too decided to die facing up. The executioner slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, "Hey, I see what the problem is..."

24 Aug 2004, 11:59 AM	#100
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,179	A jogger, running down a country road, is startled as a horse yells at him. "Hey! Come over here, buddy!" The jogger is stunned, but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you talking to me???" The horse replies, "Sure am! Listen, I've got a problem. I won the Melbourne Cup a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is pull a plow. I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me? I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run." Dollar signs go off in the jogger's head. So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch. The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field." Says the farmer, "Son, I know what you are thinking, but you can't believe everything you hear. He's never even been to Melbourne."

24 Aug 2004, 09:06 PM	#101
dantheman Cornerstone of the Community Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Hot Springs, AR Posts: 857	You're getting pretty good JeffK! The last one about the horse reminded me of the time i was jogging in the beautiful countryside in the Abruzzo region of Italy. Back in 1990. A horse started following me! As i started to speed up, so would the horse. Couldn't figure how get away as i knew it would catch up rather quickly. Then all of a sudden, a loud heeeeee! was heard from far up in the field. The horse suddenly stopped and headed over in the direction of that voice. Must of been the wife or somethin'

25 Aug 2004, 12:36 PM	#103
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,179	A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief... "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Oh my God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

5 Oct 2004, 11:49 AM	#104
JeffK Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Kingaroy, AU Posts: 3,179	Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, “Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.

5 Oct 2004, 02:25 PM	#105
dantheman Cornerstone of the Community Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Hot Springs, AR Posts: 857	Good one JeffK! Reminds me of this nice old lady dad had us visit once. She had 9 cats in the house, some practically even had their own bedroom. Don't think she had to worry about forgetting their needs! Liked this one from Oct. 2004 ed. of Reader's Digest: "It isn't just American companies that get it wrong. The Scandinavian electronics company Electrolux tried to sell its vacuum cleaner here in North America by telling people, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."