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Old 3 Nov 2002, 07:38 AM   #16
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Location: New York
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Technology predictions

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with
the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that

won't last out the year." - The editor in charge of business books for
Prentice Hall, 1957.

"But what is it good for?" - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems
Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to
us." -
Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" - David Sarnoff's
associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the


"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better

than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." - A Yale University management
professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight

delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp).

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" - H.M. Warner, Warner

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper." - Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role

in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say

America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."

Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." - Lord Kelvin,
president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -
Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M

"So we went to Atari and said, Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?
Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll

come work for you. And they said no. So then we went to
Hewlett-Packard, and they said, Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got

through college yet." -
Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P

interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against
which to react.
He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary
rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all
of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just

have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable
condition of weight training." - Response to Arthur Jones, who solved
the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy." - Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his
project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H.
Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." - Pierre
Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." - Sir John Eric Ericksen,
British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981.
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Old 25 Nov 2002, 03:46 AM   #17
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Bit my tongue!

A child once told me this one:
"A young serpent asked his mom one day... "Mommy, are we venemous serpents?"
"Yes son, we are."
But are we really venemous venemous?"
"Yes son, we are really venemous venemous!"
But are we really venemous venemous venemous mom?
"Yes son, we really are venemous venemous venemous, why do you ask me so often?"
It's 'cause I bit my tongue.
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Old 26 Nov 2002, 02:36 AM   #18
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A Dog's Life

A pet owner takes his dog to the Vet to find out what's wrong with him. The Vet takes out his stethoscope and gives the dog a thorough examination. Afterwards, he tells the owner, "I hate to tell you this sir but I'm afraid your dog's dead."

This bit of news shocks the dog owner so he demands a second opinion. So the Vet goes back to his office and returns with a cat. The cat walks around the dog sniffing here and there and then gets on top of the dog and walks all over it. The cat then gets off the dog, looks at the vet and says "Meow."

"Well, there you have it sir," replied the Vet, "Your dog is indeed dead."

The dog's owner sighs and then says, "All right, how much do I owe you?"

The Vet replied, "That'll be $300."

"What?!," he exclaimed, "You mean I owe you $300 just for telling me my dog is dead?! That's ridiculous!"

The Vet then replied, "Well, that's $25 for the office visit and $275 for the cat scan."
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Old 26 Nov 2002, 05:41 AM   #19
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Cool More Marxist Rhetoric

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest . . .ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he's crooked.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing . . . if you can fake that, you've got it made.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

I was married by a judge. I should've asked for a jury.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . .retire!

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
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Old 26 Nov 2002, 06:13 AM   #20
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Re: More Marxist Rhetoric

Originally posted by Quasar
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Hehe, that's like one I once heard:  "Smoking is the number 1 cause of statistics"
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Old 26 Nov 2002, 09:22 AM   #21
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Talking Re: A Dog's Life

[quote]Originally posted by Quasar
[b]A pet owner takes his dog to the Vet ...
Pretty good Quasar!

Did you hear about the one who was on the plane with his dog?

A passenger on a plane trip was wondering how a dog could be sitting next to him so he asked his owner what this was all about.
The owner told him he was working for the CIA & the dog was part of his mission.
"Oh yeah!" says the passenger, prove it to me!
"Just watch" said the owner.
"Rover! go out!"
So Rover goes out a few isles up, stops and comes back.
Puts his right paw on his owners lap.
"See that?" said the owner. "Know what that means?"
"No" replied the passenger.
"This guys got marijuana"
"Wow" exclaimed the passenger.
"that's not all" says the owner.
"Rover go!" So Rover goes out again a bit further, comes back and puts his left paw on the owner's lap this time.
"Se that?" says the owner.
"It means that guys got cocaine. I'm taking a note of this."
"Watch again" says the owner.
"Rover go !" So Rover goes again & comes back. This time the animal starts to crap all over the seat.
"What's goin' on here?" exclaimed disgruntedly the passenger.
"Shhhh!" said the owner, "there's a bomb!"
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Old 26 Nov 2002, 09:46 AM   #22
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A man was walking home alone on a foggy night when he hears a strange sound behind him. As he's walking, he hears BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. He looks back and sees an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

Terrified, the man starts running towards his home but the coffin keeps bouncing behind him--BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....BUMP.

He runs to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. But that doesn't stop the coffin because it crashes through the door, with its lid banging open and shut. The coffin chases the man through his house, closing in on his heels. In a sudden burst, the man rushes upstairs to the bathroom where he locks himself in.

The man is frightened out of his wits, his heart is pounding, his head is swimming and his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. Then, with a loud crash, the coffin breaks down the door, working its way towards him.

In an act of final desperation, the man reaches for his medicine cabinet and grabs a large bottle of Robitussin. He then throws the Robitussin at the coffin where it lands right in the middle of the casket. After that, the coffin stops.
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Old 24 Dec 2002, 03:28 AM   #23
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Talking Some genuine dumb newspaper headlines

Stolen Painting Found by Tree (amazingly clever tree, that)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (and in the same vein ó)

Lesotho Women Make Beautiful Carpets (surely wool is better?)

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge (get a couple of girders up, quickly!)

Miners Refuse to Work After Death (wouldn't you?)

Shell Found on Beach

and of course the all-time classic:

Sex in Chains Woman Appeals to the Queen
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Old 28 Dec 2002, 05:51 PM   #24
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(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the namebof the new leader of China.Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
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Old 29 Dec 2002, 12:38 AM   #25
Dave P in StLouis
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Hey Dencrom, that's a good one! Here's another, in a similar vein.

At one time Emergency Medical Technicians (EMT's) were known as "Paramedics." This mignt give rise to the following scene:

Victim: Oh, my chest! (Clutches chest, falls to floor)
Guy One: Hey, I think this guy's having a heart attack! Quick, call 911!
Guy Two: Okay, what's the number?
Guy One: You dummy, we need to call for paramedics!
Guy Two: You think two medics will be enough?
Guy One: Not medics, paramedics!
Guy Two: Oh, pair of medics. Okay, I guess four will be enough.
Guy One: Four what?
Guy Two: Four medics.
Guy One: I told you, it's paramedics.
Guy Two: Gee, I don't think we need eight of them.
Guy One: Eight?
Guy Two: Yeah, eight medics.
Guy One: What are you talking about?
Guy Two: You said there'd be four pair of medics.
Guy One: I don't know how many there'll be and anyway, where did you get eight?
Guy Two: You know, four pair of medics.
Guy One: So, how do you get eight?
Guy Two: Simple, four pair is eight.
Guy One: Four pair of what?
Guy Two: Four pair of medics.
Guy One: But that's only four, not eight.
Guy Two: What, you mean it's like a pair of pants or a pair of jockey shorts where instead of a pair it's really just one?
Guy One: One what?
Guy Two: One medic.
Guy One: Not medic, paramedic.
Guy Two: Don't you start with me!
Guy One: Look, never mind. Get busy and call for the paramedics.
Guy Two: I still say he might need more than two.
Guy One: Two what?
Guy Two: Two medics.
Guy One: It's not medics it's paramedics.
Guy Two: Yeah, two pair of medics should be able to handle it.
Guy One: They might not send two, you know. They might send three.
Guy Two: Three medics?
Guy One: For that last time, it's not medics it's paramedics!
Guy Two: But I don't think we need six medics.
Guy One: Paramedics!
Guy Two: Yeah, three pair of medics. That's six.
Guy One: No, that's three.
Guy Two: Yeah, and three pair is six.
Guy One: Three pair of what?
Guy Two: Medics.
Guy One: Paramedics! Paramedics!
Guy Two: Paramedics to you too!
Victim: Ohh!
Guy One: Look, we can't just stand around, we have to get this man some help.
Guy Two: At last we agree on something. And you want me to call for some medics, right?
Guy One: Paramedics!
Guy Two: Don't you start with me! When I get through with you, you'll need a pair of medics!
Guy One: It's not a paramedics it's a paramedic because there's just one. If there were two, it would be two paramedics. The first is singular because there's only one and the second is plural because there are two.
Guy Two: So one pair of medics is singular and two pair of medics is plural.
Guy One: Exactly.
Guy Two: That's the craziest thing I ever heard of.
Guy One: What's crazy about it?
Guy Two: How can two of something be singular?
Guy One: What are you talking about? It can't.
Guy Two: You just said two would be singular.
Guy One: No, I didn't. Two paramedics would be plural. Everyone knows that.
Guy Two: Well, a minute ago, you didn't know it.
Guy One: Of course, I did.
Guy Two: Then why did you say two would be singular.
Guy One: I didn't.
Guy Two: You distinctly said a pair of medics would be singular.
Guy One: It's not a paramedics, it's a paramedic, because it's singular.
Guy Two: There you go again!
Guy One: Wait a minute, I get it now. You think I'm saying "pair of medics" but I'm saying "paramedics." Get it? It's not "pair of medics" it's "paramedics."
Guy Two: It's not "pair of medics" it's "pair of medics" huh?
Guy One: Exactly!
Guy two: What do you mean "exactly"? I don't even know what you're talking about!
Guy One: It's very simple. It's not "pair of medics" it's "paramedics." See?
Guy Two: I'm seeing red, that's what I'm seeing! It's not "pair of medics" it's "pair of medics!" Of all the crazy ideas!
Guy One: There's nothing crazy about it.
Guy Two: Well, one of us is crazy.
Guy One: Yeah, and I know who.
Victim: Ohh!
Guy Three: Hey, this guy looks like he's having a heart attack. Why don't you call for help?
Guys One and Two (unison): Don't get him started! (Point at each other)
Victim: (Sits up) Never mind, I'll call them myself!
Guy Two: (Kneels beside Victim) Hey, buddy, just relax, we're gonna call for some medics.
Guy One: Paramedics! Paramedics!
Victim: Oh, no! (Collapses again)
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Old 29 Dec 2002, 05:11 PM   #26
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"Keyboard missing - press F3 to continue"

Message seen on an Apricot PC
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Old 7 Feb 2003, 07:21 AM   #27
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Talking Another genuine newspaper headline

In today's issue of The Wharf (free newspaper of Canary Wharf, London) is the headline "Strip club appealing".  I just bet they are...
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Old 11 Feb 2003, 02:49 AM   #28
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Smile Still More and Even Better (??) Marxist Rhetoric

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but donít let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years agoÖI shot my broker.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Iíve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasnít it.

Marriage is a wonderful institutionÖbut who wants to live in an institution?

Outside of a dog, a book is a manís best friend. Inside of a dog, itís too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Those are my principles. If you donít like them I have others.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Why should I care about posterity? Whatís posterity ever done for me?

Youíve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and Iíll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Is your face hurting you? Well, it's killing me.
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Old 11 Feb 2003, 10:06 AM   #29
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Guy walks into a store and says, "Got any grapes?"

Clerk Replys, "No we dont",

Next day...

Guy walks in once again and says, "Got any grapes??"

Clerk Replys, "No we dont, Listen if you come in here one more time asking for grapes... Im gonna staple your mouth shut!"

Next Day....

Guy says," Got any Staples??!"

Clerk Replys, "no."

GOT ANY GRAPES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
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Old 12 Feb 2003, 03:34 AM   #30
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Wink PUNishment

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he also suffered from bad breath. This made him...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Two Eskimos went fishing in their kayak one morning and they soon became very cold. They tried to keep warm by starting a fire in their kayak, but it caught fire and sank. Moral of the story: You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry gentlemen but only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcent dental medication.

An employee at a small company e-mailed ten different puns to his coworkers, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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