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Old 11 Nov 2003, 11:15 AM   #46
JeffK
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Hey, pwb already won that prize.
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Old 11 Nov 2003, 11:19 AM   #47
Lily
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I found this on another board some time ago.

I hope nobody takes offense. I just thought it was funny. NO offense intended.


<u>Windows 2000 Oklahoma Edition</u>

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 OKLAHOMA EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of OKLAHOMA.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding
the commands. The OKLAHOMA EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN OKLAHOMA EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the OKLAHOMA EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:

Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the OKLAHOMA EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates
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Old 26 Nov 2003, 03:07 AM   #48
robert@fm
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One day, the Devil wanted to settle once and for all the question of whether he or Jesus was more powerful.&nbsp; So he went up to Heaven and petitioned God, "I'd like you to arrange some kind of contest between us."

"Fair enough" replied God, "and I'll be the Judge, as usual.&nbsp; But in case you think that gives Jesus an unfair advantage, I'm thinking of giving you both an hour to work up a presentation, using Microsoft PowerPoint — that should give you an advantage in terms of the actual contest."

The big day came, and Jesus and the Devil were both frantically coding away.&nbsp; Then, disaster — a power failure, with just ten minutes of the hour to go.

The computers were rebooted, and the two contestants got back to work.&nbsp; At the end of the hour, the Devil had only a rather poor presentation to show, but Jesus had a marvellous one full of graphics, sound and animation, all tied together perfectly.

"I don't get this" complained the Devil to God afterwards.&nbsp; "We were both affected by that power cut; how come He did so much better than I?"

"It's quite simple," replied God.&nbsp; "Jesus saves."
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Old 26 Nov 2003, 04:04 AM   #49
JeffK
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dantheman, who started this thread, would be proud of that one.
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Old 29 Nov 2003, 06:28 AM   #50
robert@fm
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Misleading claims!

Games programming:
"Sound": beep
"Full use of sound": beep beep
"Not too challenging": our cat breezed through the first 10 levels
"A really tough challenge": none of us could work out even how to play it

At the shops:
"Massive clearance": our store has ridiculously high ceilings
"24-hour service": you'll be in here at least 24 hours before anyone bothers to notice you
"Everything reduced": except the prices
"Save plenty of money": you'll need to before you can afford to shop here
"Everything must go": before the Burglary Squad decide to pay us a visit
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Old 3 Dec 2003, 04:57 PM   #51
dantheman
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Okay

Quote:
Originally posted by JeffK
dantheman, who started this thread, would be proud of that one.


(heard it before though).
That's the problem with the internet. You receive emails with lists of jokes (often the same) so it gets to be rarer and rarer when you hear really new ones.

Things like jumping into the wrong car (belonging to a stranger) to go to say mass at another village early one Sunday morning... (happened to me in Italy a few years ago).
Jerry Lewis style humour should come back sometimes.

Just found this one from help.lockergnome.com :
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmp...on_fe_st/bubba

Last edited by dantheman : 3 Dec 2003 at 09:05 PM.
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Old 14 Mar 2004, 01:02 AM   #52
robert@fm
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Thumbs up Joke found on alt.music.genesis

Guy goes to the doctor and says, "I can't hear properly."

Doctor — "What are the symptoms?"

Guy — "Little yellow cartoon people.........."
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Old 14 Mar 2004, 01:08 AM   #53
robert@fm
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In a small English village, one fine Saturday morning, a villager came across his vicar walking down the main street — which was most unusual.&nbsp; So he stopped him and asked "Hello vicar, where's your bike?"

"I'm afraid somebody's stolen it."

"I have an idea — why not make your sermon tomorrow one on the subject of the Ten Commandments.&nbsp; When you get to the one which says 'Thou shalt not steal,' have a good look at the congregation and the guilty party will with any luck give himself away."

Come Monday, they met up again, and this time the vicar was cycling.&nbsp; "I see my idea worked then."

"Er, not exactly; I did the sermon as you suggested, but when I got to the one which says 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' I suddenly remembered where I'd left my bike."
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Old 14 Mar 2004, 02:38 AM   #54
dantheman
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A low jab Robert!

Hum, hum!




Well...

This one from the times of studies in Rome... far away from home!


A lad was studying in a far away foreign country. Many weeks had passed and he finally received a letter from his dear mom.
"Dear son," she wrote,
"I know you can not read very fast,
so I'm writing to you slowly..."
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Old 15 Mar 2004, 11:57 PM   #55
AlexR
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Can't remember this exactly so I'll adapt it a little:

Time was up for Bill Gates - even he was not too surprised to be sent down.

Upon his arrival in hell, he was met by the devil.

"Ah Mr Gates, good to see you - we have your room all ready for you", says the horned one.

Gates is shown into a medium sized room. In the corner there is this brand new PC, with a huge 60" LCD display.

"What OS has it got?", asks Gates curiously.
"Oh, it's only Windows 95. Budget cuts hit us hard this year - especially the gas bill. Your PC has eternal power though.", replies the devil, smiling.

The devil then leaves the room and the big iron-clad door swings shut. Gates sits down in front of the PC, thinking this hell thing is not going to be so bad after all.

After about five minutes the PC locks up and displays the BSD. 'Never did fix that', thinks Gates as he instinctively reaches for those famous three buttons, but there are only two of them - CTRL and ALT. The DEL button was missing.


OK, it's an old one - but I like it



AlexR
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Old 16 Mar 2004, 12:55 AM   #56
injinuity
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Re: About banking...

Quote:
Originally posted by ReuvenNY
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says
to the woman at the teller window "I want to
open a damn checking account,"
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your
pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.
What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a
damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language
is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves
the window and goes over to the bank manager to
inform him of her situation. The manager agrees
that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks
the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I
just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I
want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this ***** giving you a hard time?"
Really enjoyed that one reuven... trust me thats how it is at banks nowadays... I used to do the same thing....

Jinu Johnson
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Old 5 Apr 2004, 06:06 AM   #57
robert@fm
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I used to be apathetic, but now I can't be bothered.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I used to be conceited, but now I'm absolutely perfect!

I used to be easily distracted, but now I &mdash; ooh look, a pigeon...

I used to be bad at remembering things, but now I... er, what was the subject again?

I used to be crazy, but now I'm God.

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Old 5 Apr 2004, 08:44 AM   #58
JeffK
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And he used to be just a forum member, but now he is a legend, because the above post was his 3,000 th, (as robert@fm).

JeffK
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Old 5 Apr 2004, 09:48 AM   #59
dantheman
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Yep!

J'offre toute ma révérence à robert@fm!

There's a catch to it though...

As I extend my hand out to you while I bend a knee in sign of respect and just before you take my hand as as sign of your acceptance, I quickly pull it back to kiss it (my own of course!)
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Old 5 Apr 2004, 12:37 PM   #60
Daniel S
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Quote:
Originally posted by JeffK
And he used to be just a forum member, but now he is a legend, because the above post was his 3,000 th, (as robert@fm).

JeffK
It's an OT post, it can't be the 3000th.
It's this one.
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