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Old 23 Mar 2011, 05:13 AM   #286
bramhall
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I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.
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Old 23 Mar 2011, 01:02 PM   #287
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News just in from Toontown is that Uncle Remus is in hospital following a nasty accident.





















He zipped his doo-dah.
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Old 4 Apr 2011, 12:24 AM   #288
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dantheman View Post
[...]

Notice: Due to the economic hard times the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Where I work, you could substitute "As part of the Green Living Incentive".
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Old 7 Apr 2011, 05:54 AM   #289
dantheman
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Ha!

Can't remember where i picked this one up from:

And what's the difference between a mother-in-law and a terrorist?







You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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Old 8 Apr 2011, 08:28 AM   #290
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A man walked into a bar and heard a voice saying "Goodness, sir, you do look smart tonight." Immediately followed by another saying "No he doesn't, he's fat and ugly."

Baffled, he asked the barman "What on earth was that all about?"

The barman replied "Sorry sir; the peanuts are complimentary but the jukebox is out of order."
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Old 8 Apr 2011, 09:01 AM   #291
dantheman
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Typical British sense of humour Robert!

As a Canadian citizen, member of the venerable British Commonwealth, i caught it!

Speaking of politics!
We're in election time here ay!

Here's a classic that went live on the radio (i think, it was before my days, or very early days, back in the 60's if i'm not mistaken).

Réal Cayouette, head of the Parti Créditiste said something like this:
"Canada is standing on the edge of a precipe.
With the Creditists in power, we shall help it make a step forward!" Yay!
« Le Canada est au bord du précipice et avec les créditistes au pouvoir nous lui ferons faire un pas en avant ».

Last edited by dantheman : 8 Apr 2011 at 09:02 AM. Reason: Touch up.
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Old 8 Apr 2011, 04:08 PM   #292
bramhall
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A man walked into a bar and heard a voice saying:
"This joke was posted here some three years ago. Reposting is not allowed in this forum"
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Old 11 Apr 2011, 07:40 AM   #293
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Proverbs

Has anyone else noticed how the proverbs "Look before you leap" and "He who hesitates is lost" contradict one another?

Some more proverbs rethought for modern times:

The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

People who live in glass houses had better have clean habits.

If at first you don't succeed, don't take up skydiving.
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Old 12 Apr 2011, 09:57 PM   #294
bramhall
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A router comes into a doctor's office and says: it hurts when IP
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Old 13 Apr 2011, 10:30 PM   #295
nullifygirls
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Gud mornig, lols
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Old 30 Nov 2011, 08:36 AM   #296
dantheman
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To all the Newfie fans!

Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went
into a deep coma.
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and
sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl.
The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth, and had to be
christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me
brother, he's a clueless idiot!
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my
daughter's name?
'Denise' says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful
name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought ...'I really like
Denise '
Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replies ' Denephew '
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Old 1 Dec 2011, 03:38 AM   #297
Tom Gallagher
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dantheman View Post
Typical British sense of humour Robert!

As a Canadian citizen, member of the venerable British Commonwealth, i caught it!

».
As an American and an ex member of the Commonwealth I don't get it...sorry.
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Old 1 Dec 2011, 06:15 AM   #298
dantheman
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Long live the Queen!

Anyway, I'm almost an ex-member of the Commonwealth too!

- - -

Not sure if this is British or American humour...

Friends of mine met a neighbour who had two of his little boys with him.
They asked the youngsters what their names were.

First one said Javed and the younger one replied Malyx.

Getting back home, the one friend said, hey if you switch a few letters you have:
Javex (to clean the outside) and Malox for the inside!
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Old 1 Dec 2011, 06:20 AM   #299
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Got to be American humour . . . or humor!

I had to look up javex and malox to see what they were.
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Old 1 Dec 2011, 06:27 AM   #300
Tom Gallagher
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I'm still working on the peanuts and the jukebox.
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